Tomb Raiding with Enrico

In case you were unaware, Rise of the Tomb Raider has finally launched across platforms. This new Tomb Raider offers new adventures, tombs and I assume paranormal entities. But you are not here for that. As a gamer, I thought it was my duty to present my approach to picking up a girl like Lara Croft.


Let’s not kid ourselves, looks matter when it comes to initially approaching. Lara Croft is universally regarded as attractive. I would rate myself as “not quite a potato level” attractive.  So bad start there, but attractiveness is more then just the skin suit you wear… It’s also the cotton/polyester/leather suit you wear that matters. Clothes shopping goes one of two ways for me. I go, try on various things, get frustrated then randomly buy something which I have not tried on, then get home only to find out it doesn’t fit. The other alternative is that I hear a store is going out of business then stock up on $2 – $3 shirts… so yeah.

In this hypothetical pick-up situation, the scene is a house get together, in the evening. I’m rocking a green crew neck, with some form of stain from lunch earlier in the day and jeans. Typical fare. I also for some reason have a backpack, double strapped, because I came from class… My neck beard is visibly noticeable, but has been trimmed back. Body language is sad, slight hunch, with face showing an immense sadness that I carry with me daily (stemming from my bronze v placement). So already my chances on initial attraction are slim. Let’s hope I can do better in the personality department.


Why hello there


The majority of the night I’ve been standing in the corner, occasionally checking my phone in hopes that my group chat is posting interesting content (they are not which is typical), but also to add to my mystique. This obviously is not working. Most people forget I’m there. So, feeling a touch hungry I venture over to the refreshments table and bump into Lara Croft! The following interaction could go a couple ways, the first is she says hi. My reply is to put on a fake British accent, which I use to say good ‘ay love. I know what you are thinking, this guy is smooth. However this initial action, pulled straight from The Game, is followed by an incredibly uncomfortable 10 minute discussion where she tells me about all the adventures she has gone on. Not to be rude, I zone out, blankly staring at her face while intermittently nodding and agreeing with what she says. Basically this scenario ends badly for me. The second more realistic scenario, is that I approach the refreshments table, see an attractive girl and immediately abort the mission. This is followed by an awkward shuffle back to the corner I resided.

So there you have it. Overall this hypothetical situation is a bust. If you do the opposite of these steps, chances are you will find success. It is also important to note that love is a fickle thing and sometimes the best chance you can take is not taking one. As for my self, I find solace in the area I’ve laid claim to in the forever alone zone. Play me out epic sax guy.


Enricofairme is the founder and lead writer on He has been creating content about video games for the past 6 years. You can follow Eli on Twitter @enricofairme.

1 response

  1. FilmApe says:

    Can confirm, @Enrico is being honest about both his looks and personality.

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